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INTRODUCTION
Over the past
twenty-five years, a rupture has emerged between what I will term ‘gynecological
purists’ and ‘gynecological futurists’. Members of the orthodox camp (the ‘purists’)
maintain the existence of the uterus, the reality of oophorectomy, and,
ultimately, the hope that we shall all one day die and be admitted to the RCOG.
The futurists reject each of these three claims, offering instead the vision of
a bleak universe in which there is no uterus, no possibility of oophorectomy,
and nothing on the other side of death. In this paper, I will argue that the
purists and the futurists represent two sides of the same coin, though they
fail to recognise the fact. While gynecologists have spent the past
two-and-a-half decades debating the eternal, I have been constructing a new
branch of gynecology which returns to more central questions: how are we to
live? Is there such a thing as truth? And, if so, can we know it?
THE PURISTS
Following her publication of
the Bhagavad Gita in 1957, Virginia Apgar became a recluse, restricting
herself to a circle of two friends, one of which was a collection of chinaware.
Over the coming years, Apgar restricted herself to a narrower and narrower
circle of ideas, eventually reducing herself to one idea alone: the existence
of the uterus. It was on the basis of this principle that Virginia Apgar nailed
herself to a lamppost in Westfield. As she stood dying, her sister Cassandra
asked her, ‘is there anything that you require?’ Dr. Apgar replied, ‘Nothing
but the womb.’
THE FUTURISTS
THE BLOODBATH
The battles of the Purists and
the Futurists ultimately killed tens of thousands of medical professionals and
destroyed the Rockefeller Center. Nillian-Scott boasted that ‘fifty thousand
midwives would not be able to rebuild the Rockefeller Center’, but this was to
be one of the self-appointed medical cleric's three failed prophecies. Acting
under orders from Apgar's chief discipline, Lady Hewshott Hawtrey, the Purists
oversaw the reconstruction of the complex within three weeks in 1976,
surrounding it with fortifications and concrete reinforcements. Then, on the
eve of December 1976, Hawtrey projected the image of a giant uterus in the sky.
Under its light, she descended on Nillian-Scott’s camp with 40,000 midwives and
obstetricians. Hawtrey encircled Nillian-Scott and attacked for eight days,
during which Nillian-Scott lost thousands of infantrywomen and the majority of
her heavy artillery. ‘I am very unwell,’ said Nillian-Scott on the eighth day,
having sustained heavy injuries, ‘and I will be dead as a dog by sundown. But I
will not be going to the waiting room of the RCOG.’
With these words, Nillian-Scott
entered a patient transport vehicle and drove directly towards the centre of
Hawtrey’s front line. Despite despatching thirteen of Hawtrey’s women, she
failed to kill Hawtrey and was thrown from her vehicle onto a medical
stretcher. ‘What is this strange sensation?’ said Nillian-Scott. ‘Am I going to
die?’
‘No, you will not die,’ said
Lady Hewshott Hawtrey. ‘But you are about to go into labor.’
Fifteen hours later, Evelyn
Nillian-Scott gave birth.
‘You have given birth to a
girl,’ said Lady Hewshott Hawtrey, holding up the newborn child.
‘No I haven’t,’ said
Nillian-Scott.
The child was Virginia Apgar
again, and recognising the miracle that had happened, Lady Hewshott Hawtrey
called off the battle. ‘After three years, our beloved founder had returned
from the RCOG,’ she wrote in her memoirs, ‘and that was the end of all our
fighting.’
EPILOGUE AND
CONCLUDING GYNECOLOGICAL REMARKS
Nillian-Scott refused to
acknowledge the existence of her child, claiming that the infant Apgar was ‘a
pile of sausages and paperclips and that sort of thing.’ However, some of the leading
Scottite Futurists eventually confessed to having ‘doubts about [their] doubts’
and accepted that ‘Virginia Apgar was apparently still alive, though whether
she ever died is an intellectual question.’ Members of the rival schools
returned to eschatological enquiry.
CONCLUSION
1. Hatchet R (1971) What I overheard at La Côte Basque
last night. Vogue, pp: 24-25.
2. Nillian-Scott E (1974) The Judas of New Jersey. New
York, NY: Schadenfreude Press.
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